The Christ in Me May 14, 08

Well, I’m back.

I know it’s been a few days.

Funny thing about me-I love to write but I’ve never been consistent. Even when I kept a pen and ink journal, I always did it with the intention of writing some type of entry every day. That resolution would last about a week and then I’d go back to being my usual, procrastinating self. 

With this online journal, it’s a bit different because I’m not just writing about whatever may have happened with me on a particular day. I’m feeling led to write about how God was able to somehow USE whatever took place that day to display His glory.

So, here’s a praise….

Last week, I went to a restaurant where I met a young lady who waited on our table. Turns out she was a Christian and I felt led to speak to her and just give her some overall encouragement. She was having a rough time trying to stay optimistic in a job where most of her co-workers were non-believers. I told her about the upcoming women’s conference I was involved in and we seemed to hit it off.

Today, when I went back, I wasn’t seated in her section but I did get to see her and say ‘hello.’ I again felt compelled to share with her about a Christian Women’s Club in town that holds a monthly luncheon. I didn’t know if her schedule would allow her to take off work during the day but I wanted to let her know about the organization and make her feel welcome.

As we were talking, she put her hand on my shoulder, smiled and said, “You are such an uplifting person, you know that?”

Well, my automatic reaction was ironic laughter because *I* knew the truth! After a moment of amused chuckling at her compliment, I said, “Oh, no, it’s not me that’s uplifting, it’s Jesus!” To which she replied very earnestly, her face serious, “I know but Jesus is showing Himself through you to be an uplifter.”

I didn’t have a response to that. I could only marvel at how God’s glowing presence within me is becoming more and more apparent. I know it’s not me. No way, not at all. I don’t draw such genuiness from people because without Jesus, I have to be honest–I’m not a very genuine person. Hello…I wanted to be an actor for goodness’ sake! What does that tell you?! No, without God, I’m bitter and pessimistic. I’m cynical and selfish. I’m stand-offish and somewhat unapproachable. I don’t let people in. But through Jesus, I’m everything He is, which is warmth and love. He emanates from me and I thank Him for seeing something in me that was salvagable and lovely.

I am a diamond because Christ has made me into one. Without him, I’m nothing more than a shoddy imitation. A cheap piece of glass.

People who’ve known me for several years have started to remark on how different I seem…how much more open and at peace. Honestly, I seem different even to myself! It’s all God. I take none of the credit. What that waitress saw was not me, but the Christ in me.

So, if it seems like I’m boasting, I don’t write this to boast on myself. I write it to testify to the goodness and loving-kindness of Jesus Christ, who is taking a sad, broken, dingy little girl and slowly transforming her into a joyful, victorious, glowing woman. My anger and bitterness, though I thought I was doing a stellar job of hiding it, was seeping through in my expression and my attitude. It was a turn-off yet I could never understand why people didn’t want to be around me. I thought I was just a bad person and people could see it. But that was a lie of the enemy. I’m not the angry, bitter person I was led to believe I was. God doesn’t see me that way. He doesn’t see you that way either.

I write this in the hopes that you will read it and know that if you haven’t come to that place in your walk with God where you are seeing the gem He sees when He looks at you, stay in fellowship with your Father, believe that He is willing and able, and He will begin to reveal who you really are just as He is revealing to me who I really am with each new glory. God says, “Draw near to me and I will draw near to you…”

He’s changing me.

He can change you.

“For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast…” -Ephesians 2:8-9

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finding Forgiveness on Mother’s Day May 9, 08

I went shopping today for a Mother’s Day card to send to my biological mom who lives about 400 miles away.

Maybe it was that I didn’t take the time to go to several other stores to pick out a card but I really had a hard time trying to find a card that put the sentiments of how I feel about my mom into words. Nowadays, there seems to be a card for every kind of relationship known to man but for the life of me, as I went through card after card at the store, I could not find one that represented me.

See, to me, my biological mother isn’t my “mom” because she didn’t raise me. I was raised by my grandmother. She is the one who fed and clothed me, took care of me when I was sick, worked hard to make sure I had a good education and sat up with me nights. She is the woman I call “mom.” 

Because I grew up feeling that my biological mom didn’t want me, even though she has always been in my life to a lesser degree, for many years, I had great bitterness towards her for not having been the mother I felt she was to supposed to be. A lot of that anger has dissipated over the last few years as I have come to understand more about the circumstances behind why she didn’t raise me and also as I have grown as a Christian who seeks to practice forgiveness even when my feelings don’t agree.

My biological mom and I have a much better relationship than we used to thanks to my relationship with Jesus Christ. I think I can safely say we’ve become friends. We talk, I go to visit her….but trying to find a card for her today was difficult. I felt some of the old resentment welling up inside of me as I read through all the different lines of prose: “Mom, I love you because you’ve always been there for me…”

Nope, that wasn’t her.

“Mom, you’re the best mother a daughter could wish for…”

NOT!

“For a woman of faith and courage on Mother’s Day…”

Toss that one back in the bin.

Nothing I read rang true of our relationship. I started thinking maybe I should just get a blank card, write “Happy Mother’s Day” in it and leave it at that. That old ex-friend, resentment started whispering in my ear that I shouldn’t even worry about sending a Mother’s Day card. She never did anything for me. She wasn’t there when I needed her. Now that I’m an adult she wants to be a part of my life when all the raising is over?! She doesn’t deserve a card!

But then another voice…a still, small one, broke in and said, “Daughter, don’t be that way. Forgive. Get your mother a card for the simple reason that she had you.”

As I thought about it, it made sense. My biological mom may not have been the mother I wanted when I was a child, but she did have me. She carried me for nine months and went through the labor pains to bring me into the world. She was young when she became pregnant with me, still a teenager. She could have decided not to go through with the pregnancy. But she didn’t and for that, if nothing else, I suppose I should be grateful to her. She’s come a long way from the woman that she was and just as Jesus forgave me, I know I must forgive her her mistakes, make peace with the past and continue to forge a healthy relationship. So, after searching a while longer through a sea of endless greeting cards, I finally found one that seemed appropriate.

As I was leaving the store with my card, I started thinking about all the people like myself who didn’t have the mom they wanted. But as I thought about it, I realized that there are other people out there whose moms are gone. There are people who would give ANYTHING just to have one more hug, one more conversation, with their mom. For them, Mother’s Day is no doubt difficult and bittersweet. My mom is still alive. She’s still here and even though she wasn’t the best mother, she is my mother and I realize I need to make the most of the time I have with her because it is precious. The past is over. It doesn’t have to regulate our future. We’re both older and (a little) wiser.

The fifth commandment states, ‘honor your mother and father that all may go well with you.’ -Exodus 20:12

Forgiveness, that ‘F’ word, is not easy. But it is necessary. Without it, I cannot show honor which means I cannot be blessed. Well, I want to walk in the fullness of God’s blessings, so I guess I’ll be becoming more familiar with forgiveness this Mother’s Day and probably a few more Mother’s Days to come…

How about you?

I Feel Pretty(?) May 7, 08

There is a scene in the movie “Gypsy” where, after years of always playing second banana to her more-favored and talented younger sister, Natalie Wood’s character, Gypsy Rose Lee, finally gets her big break in show biz.

I can’t remember if it’s in the Broadway play but in one of the last scenes of the movie, Natalie transforms from a plain, timid wallflower into a beautiful burlesque queen. Looking into a full-length mirror, she examines her reflection as if seeing it for the very first time and proudly announces aloud to herself, “I’m pretty!”

That’s kind of the way I feel when I look at myself through God’s eyes. His spiritual eyes reflect back to me a beautiful, radiant, confident woman who can do anything she sets out to do as long as she has Christ within her. This young woman looks great. She’s sexy, attractive and sure of herself. In fact, she looks so good that I barely recognize her as being ME.

But that’s what I look like to God. I am a glowing, glistening diamond that reflects His son, Jesus.

The problem is, I have to constantly remind myself to look at myself with God’s eyes and not the eyes of the world. Because when I forget to do that, I don’t see what God sees. What I see is a mess. I see someone who’s short and overweight with big hips and too ample a bosum. I see an unattractive girl who didn’t get asked to her senior prom and barely elicits a passing glance from a man. I see a person who has failed to become the woman she thought she would be when she grew up. I see someone who is desperate sometimes and perhaps a little too needy, who craves to be validated yet hates the fact that she desires to be so. I see someone who doesn’t look like a supermodel and who could never dare to measure up to the women on the magazines she sees when she’s standing in line at the grocery check out counter.

And yet, people tell me all the time that I’m pretty. But I don’t feel it and in my heart, I have not believed it.

I bring this up because for a long time, I had a complex about displaying my picture on the Internet. The obvious reason I didn’t do it is because there’s just a lot of crazies out there and I didn’t want anyone knowing what I looked like. I didn’t even start giving my real name online until last year. Before that, I always went by screen names and aliases in forums and on e-mailing lists. I ran a highly successful Paul McCartney Yahoo! group AND a George Harrison group for nearly three years and outside of maybe one or two people off list, no one knew my real name and NOBODY ever saw what I looked like…not even those one or two off list to whom I felt comfortable enough sharing my real name.

When I started a MySpace profile at the urging of a friend, I never used my real photo. I always used pictures of celebrities, namely (since I love movies) female movie stars whom I felt were the essence of glamour and beauty: Halle Berry, Ann-Margret, Vivien Leigh, etc. One day, I had just posted a photo of Natalie Wood as my latest profile pic when I heard the Lord say, “Take it down.” I asked God why and He said because putting up pictures of famous beautiful movie stars was a misrepresentation of who *I* was. Those pictures symbolized the type of woman I’d always yearned to be but didn’t feel I was. The Lord showed me that the real reason I didn’t post my own pic was not so much because I was trying to be cautious of Internet predators but because I didn’t think my own photo was pretty. I was afraid that if I showed people what *I* looked like, they may be disappointed and friends I’d made online just might stop leaving comments and slink away into the Cyber abyss never to be heard from again.

I’ve never felt pretty. I guess, realistically when I look at myself, I think I have an okay face but if someone were to strap me to a lie detector and ask me what I genuinely thought of myself, ‘pretty’ is not the word that would come to mind. I’ve always felt ugly. I suppose rejection faced over and over again will do that.  I’ve had a lot of rejection. I got picked on a lot in high school. And whether it was intentional on someone’s part or not, being rejected and just picking up signals through the years that lead me to believe I was unlovable left me with the impression that I am not so great to look at.

Well, ultimately, I understand now that that kind of thinking is not from God but from the enemy Satan, who will use people and circumstances to makes us draw incorrect conclusions about ourselves. I was never ugly to God. In fact, the Lord rebuked me for having such a low opinion of myself because in doing so, I was not so much putting myself down as I was putting GOD down, who created me. I mean, if you have a problem with the way something looks, who is to blame but the designer? So, without realizing it, I had insulted God by thinking of myself as ugly. Now by the world’s standards, I may not be the fairest beauty but it is not the world that will judge me nor is it the world’s opinion that matters. It is God’s and HE happens to think I am beautiful. Anyway, the world is fickle. What is considered hot and chic today is passé and bland tomorrow. There is no way a real person can keep up with the unrealistic expectations the world puts on people, especially women, to stay young, thin and beautiful. Even Hollywood can’t keep up with the latest Botox injection or gastric bypass treatment. People are literally killing themselves to adhere to some impossible standard and for what? A lot of them have had so much plastic surgery that they no longer look human…with faces so distorted and pulled back that it looks like the Joker or something out of a wax museum. Meanwhile, inside, the heart goes unattended, remaining sick and ugly. This is not to say that I don’t believe in looking good and maintaining your appearance, but I don’t believe it should be done at the cost of one’s soul. The Bible says man looks on the outward appearance but God judges the heart. (1 Samuel 16:7)  So I don’t wear a size 2. Does that mean I’m ugly and insignificant? Hallelujah, not in God’s eyes! In Him, I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14) And where the spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty (2 Corinthians 3:17).

Anyway, after God made me aware of what I was doing with those MySpace pictures, I started putting up pictures of a diamond, which I felt was a more apt picture of what I really looked like in GOD’S eyes. But I still couldn’t bring myself to put up a photo of me. That finally changed about a month ago after I published my first book and it became clear that God was going to start using me. Suddenly, the Lord started impressing upon me that I needed to put a face not only with my book but with everything else that represented Him because, like it or not, I have a testimony that could possibly help someone and people need to be able to put a face with the testimony. So, while holding my breath, I finally took the plunge and put up a photo of myself.

The comments that I got surprised me. The one I loved the best was from my friend, Barbara, who wrote, “You finally put up a picture of the real diamond!”

THAT, my friends, was God talking.

I got several lovely comments and contrary to what I thought would happen, people seemed happy to see that there was, indeed, a real person behind that MySpace profile. I guess I’m not so ugly afterall. But the question remains, do I feel pretty? Not really. I can’t go on how I feel, though. I have to go by what God and the Word says I am. If I had been doing that from the beginning instead of trying to define myself by how other people tried to label me, my self-esteem would no doubt be in better shape.

As for all that earlier rejection, I chalk it up now to God protecting me from getting involved with the wrong kind of men/people. Sometimes, rejection is a good thing. It’s God’s way of keeping us from something or someone that will only serve to hurt us in the long run. And who knows the opportunity (and even the male glances) I may have overlooked because my own distorted perception of myself blocked me from receiving? It’s probably the reason I’m still single. For most of my life, I’ve been ashamed of myself. Ashamed of who I am and afraid that if I show my real self to people, no one will like me because, well, I haven’t liked myself. In short, I believed a lie.

Well, praise God, I don’t have to apologize for who I am…the real me is who God intended me to be. Slowly, I am being dug up out of the dirt of shame and guilt. God spoke to me through Isaiah 54:4 which says,”

“ Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed;
      Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame;
      For you will forget the shame of your youth…”

 

I try to exercise seeing myself as God sees me because frankly, I LIKE that woman God sees. And you know what? The more I look at that woman of God, the more I see myself actually BECOMING her. Little by little, step by step, from glory to glory, I am turning into that sexy, radiant, confident, attractive woman who’s beauty in Christ would put Halle Berry’s looks on her best day to shame. I am glowing inside and that glow is starting to show itself outwardly.

It has nothing to do with me and everything to do with God. There is something about walking in His presence that will change a person’s countenance. God is doing His own brand of plastic surgery on me.

So, now, when I feel low about myself, I’ve taken to looking into God’s spiritual mirror at myself and announcing, “I’m pretty!”

I choose to believe it, even if I don’t always feel it.

 

 

 

 

Be Blessed May 4, 08

Not much happening today, so I will simply say, “Be Blessed.”

No More Sheets May 3, 08

About a year ago, I heard about a sermon given by Prophetess Juanita Bynum back in the 1990’s called “No More Sheets.” It is the sermon that put Bynum on the map as one of the most influential and popular spiritual leaders in the country.

Now, anyone who is familiar with Juanita Bynum or has followed her career is aware that she has had some very public struggles in the last few years. And like many preachers who suffer public scrutiny because of their fame, she has her detractors. But no matter what some may think of her, say what you will, the woman has an anointing and the “No More Sheets” sermon is anointed. Anyone who hears this sermon will know that it is not about the speaker but about the Lord who speaks through the speaker. This sermon has blessed me, it has convicted me, and I believe it is a message every unmarried Christian woman needs to hear.

Now that I have a blog, I want to share this sermon with my single sisters. I have created a page on which you will find this message, which is divided into eight 10-minute audio segments. As you listen, I pray that what you hear blesses you.

You can listen to the sermon here: NO MORE SHEETS.

The message can also be found under Odds & Ends in the menu section.

 

Return to Me (aka God’s Not Mad at You!) May 3, 08

On Saturdays, I usually go to a women’s discipleship class held at Corpus Christi Christian Fellowship. The class is normally taught by the senior pastor but he is out of town, so another one of the ladies in the class, Deborah, has been at the helm for a few weeks.

Deborah taught again today and I must say, she was very good. It was obvious how filled up with the Lord she was and that she had been given divine insight into the Word.

One thing she said particularly stuck out to me. She said, “Sisters, God’s not mad at you.”

When she said that, something in my spirit quickened. I sat up a little straighter in my chair and thought to myself, “Huh? What? God’s not mad at me?”

Now, on a conscious level, as someone who has been a saved and born-again follower of Christ for the last six years, I know God’s not mad at me. But when this woman spoke that declaration, I knew that in my heart, I was still harboring some doubt as to whether or not I really was square with the Lord.

See, I know God’s not mad at me. But have I really believed that He’s not mad? It’s one thing to know something but an entirely different thing altogether to believe what you know. We walk out what we believe. The Word of God states, “as a man thinks in his heart, so is he.”

So, when Deborah made that declaration, I realized that even though I love the Lord and I know He loves me, I still walk around sometimes with this unconscious pang in my heart that believes God is mad at me. I have to be good; I have to always be good in order for God to love me. When I mess up, surely God is angry. It’s not enough for me to ask forgiveness and not do that thing again. I have to somehow prove myself to God. I must show Him that I’m worthy of His love by always being good.

Here’s the thing. No matter how ‘good’ I try to be, without the blood of Jesus as atonement for my sin, my ‘goodness’ would never be good enough. Isaiah 64: 6 says that my righteousness is as filthy rags to God. It is through God’s son, Jesus Christ, that I have been made reborn and holy. There is nothing I could do on my best day to achieve the standards of a holy and righteous God. God knew this. And because He so desperately wanted fellowship with me, He sent his Son as a blood offering for my atonement. THAT is what makes me, a sinner, able to come stand boldly before the throne of God, hold my head up high, and call myself a daughter of the King. It’s not because of anything I’ve done or could ever hope to do. It is simply because of Jesus. No amount of going to church and always doing the right thing will get me into heaven. It is because of Jesus and my belief in Him as the Son of God that I will one day go to heaven. What does the Bible say…not by works but by grace. (Titus 3:4-6)

All of that religious kind of thinking that I must ‘perform’ in order to maintain God’s approval stems from my upbringing, when as I a child, I was taught that God is a vengeful, wrathful, angry God who goes around itching to strike down those who do wrong. Bearing that kind of a vision in mind, it was hard for me to believe God was really for me if He was always waiting for me to mess up so He could punish me. That God was loving and full of grace wasn’t something I was introduced to until I really began seeking Jesus after I rededicated myself to Him just a few years ago. So, that branding of God that I received early on in my life is still somewhat there. My earthly father didn’t seem to approve me. If he had, why would he have given me away? So, again, it all stems back to my relationship with my biological father and seeing God in the same light. I’ve always felt I had to earn my earthly dad’s love so of course, I have to earn my heavenly Dad’s love too, right?

Praise God….no!

The reason I bring up this topic is because after Deborah proclaimed, “God’s not mad at you,” the Lord gave me some verses to write down to share in this post. Because this was not only a word for me, it is a word for you, my sister (and brothers, if there are any men out there reading this blog). But I especially want to aim this at the sisters.

There are many of you who have fallen away from the Lord for the very reason that you think He’s mad at you. Maybe you had a close walk with Him at one time and then something happened. You messed up somehow and you felt, “God’s mad at me.” Being a Christian is too hard, there’s too many rules, I can’t live up to the Bible’s standards, etc. While it is true that our sin separates us from God, the Bible says that a righteous man falls seven times but he gets back up. (Proverbs 24:16)

Do you think God didn’t know you would fall when He accepted you into His kingdom? Do you think He didn’t know you weren’t perfect? I’ve got news for you. GOD DOESN’T CARE ABOUT PERFECTION. He cares about the state of your heart. He cares about having a relationship with you so that He can show you He loves no matter what. Does that mean you can sin and do whatever you want and not worry about offending God? No. In fact, the closer you come to the Lord, the more you will probably not be inclined to do the things you used to do. And as you grow in your walk, the more you will hopefully grow in the Spirit, who will guide you. But the thing is, God loves you in spite of what you’ve done or will do! And He’s willing to take you back. The Lord says, “if My people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land.” -2 Chronicles 7:14

But you don’t know what I’ve done, you say. It’s unforgiveable. Not to God it isn’t. Whatever it is, whether it’s big or small, God wants you to know He loves you and wants you to return to Him. “…but if you return to Me, and keep My commandments and do them, though some of you were cast out to the farthest part of the heavens, yet I will gather them from there, and bring them to the place which I have chosen as a dwelling for My name.” -Nehemiah 1:9

“Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.” -James 4:8

In class today, I got this vision of Jesus standing in a vast meadow with a staff in His hand. He was looking out over the hills and valleys for His lost sheep, calling them and searching for them to gather back into the fold. Maybe someone at church offended you and you haven’t been back since or maybe you’ve just gotten busy with life and you don’t make time to read the Word anymore like you used to or take time out to worship God as you once did. Maybe you found a person (a spouse, friend, relative, celebrity) to replace God. You may not think it’s that big a deal. But God does. He misses you.

God has shown me there are a lot of lost sheep out there He wants to return home. I’m not talking about people who don’t know Jesus at all. I’m talking about those who do know Him but for whatever reason, have fallen away from Him. God loves you and He is faithful and just to forgive. (1 John 1:19)

Sister, God’s not mad at you. Are you mad at Him?

Listen: RETURN TO ME

Let it Be May 3, 08

I have been a mega Beatles fan for the better part of my life and an overall music lover since probably before I can remember.

Since I grew up listening to all kinds of music and usually have some song in my head (pity they’re not original, I’d be a millionaire by now), God often uses songs to speak to me. Sometimes I’ll be talking to Him and instead of hearing a still, small voice giving me a reply, I’ll hear a song that just happens to contain lyrics and/or a title that pertains to what I was just talking to the Lord about.

A couple of years ago, God gave me an amazing revelation about myself. The catch was, since it’s a spiritual revelation, it can only be manifested by the Spirit. The flesh has no capability on its own to bring this thing about.

Well, as I believe I wrote in an earlier post, I’m hard-headed, not to mention slightly hard of hearing when it comes to God saying ‘no’ to something I want now. I’m like that annoying, spoiled British girl in “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory: “But Daddy, I want it now!”

Anyway, for more than two years now, I have been grappling with a situation in my life over which I have absolutely no control. And for a control freak such as myself to be faced with such a thing…it’s like taking drugs away from an addict. I hate not being in contol. I don’t like not knowing what’s going to happen or how something is going to turn out. Yet, with God, and in particular with this situation, I have relinquished the reins to Him only to turn around time and again to try to seize them back. The scenario has become so commonplace that it seems like a dance. The dance steps go like this; maybe you’re familiar with them:

Fed up with waiting on God and thinking that maybe I can speed things along, I take the matter I gave to God back into my own hands to make something happen and my carefully executed plan….(drumroll here, please)….does….(wait for it) NOTHING!!!

In my frustration, I cry out to God and say, “Jesus, I can’t stand this, why does nothing I do work?”

I know the answer but I reiterate-I’m hard-headed.

So God says, “This isn’t going to happen when you want, Lakendra. It will happen when *I* say it’s time.”

Me: But Daddy, I want it now! 

God: You can’t have it now.

Me:  Then why did you show me this stupid revelation in the first place?!

God: To prepare you.

Me: I’m prepared, Lord, really. I am SO prepared.

God: (shaking His head) No, you’re not. Trust Me.

Me: Yes, I am, I can handle it.

God: You’re not ready yet. Sorry, but I’m not budging. Why don’t you save yourself some grief and stop trying to make this happen in your flesh? You can’t do it without Me and I’m not going to do anything until the appointed time.

Me: But God-

God: NO…

Me: Pretty please…..Daddy?

God: I like when you call me ‘Daddy,’ but no.

Me: Waaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!

Incidentally, I do find myself calling the Lord ‘Daddy’ more so when I want something.

Hey, at least I’m honest about it!

Thus, we dance. Back and forth, back and forth…and the Lord ends up re-taking the lead.

Here’s the thing: God says I’m a diamond. But if I am such a valuable gem, why doesn’t everyone see it? I admit, I don’t see it too clearly all the time myself, but sometimes, especially with this situation, I can’t help sitting back sulking and wondering why don’t people see my value? Why does everything have to be so complicated? As Eric Clapton sang, “Why Does Love Have to Be so Sad?”

I don’t drink beer but if I did, I’d be crying in it right now.

The Word of God says that we must call things that be not as though they were. I know what God sees when He looks at me is the finished product. But in the natural, I’m not finished yet. I’m still dusty and tarnished. Maybe only a small sliver of my opulence can be seen in the dirt and perhaps that’s why others do not yet see my value. The word “value” has only five letters and yet, it is such a big thing within each of us to be valued. We cry out for it with our actions…by what we do and even don’t do. I want so badly to be this big, beautiful, shiny diamond the Lord showed me but there is a process. I’m still being mined. But it’s frustrating to have to go through this process. It’s uncomfortable and revealing. Why can’t I just be this glittering jewel the Lord sees? Why can’t others take time to sift through the dirt and see the real me?

Well…*sigh*…I have no control over what others accept or refuse to see. I can’t force others to see me if they won’t. That’s part of relinquishing the control. In this situation, as in all situations, I have to wait on God. I have to wait on Him to reveal me when the time is right. I just wish He’d let me in on when that is. In the meantime, as I write this post, I hear the Beatles singing the chorus to “Let it Be:”

Let it be,

let it be,

let it be,

let it be,

whisper words of wisdom,

let it be

So, I guess that’s my answer. I have to let go of this thing and let it be. 

Of course, it would be so much easier if I didn’t care, but I don’t think that’s going to happen anytime soon.

What in your life are you still holding onto that God has said, ‘let it be?’

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Judgmental Seat May 1, 08

In an earlier post, I wrote about people (namely women) who suffer from the dreaded ‘yes’ syndrome. Well, I am happy to report that the person who lead me to pen that rant did make good on their promise after all.

Boy, is my face red.

I realized after this last episode of getting upset because things didn’t immediately go my way, that I suffer from a more serious malady than even that of the ‘yes’ syndrome. It’s called being judgmental. It’s one of my major character flaws with which I’ve suffered for years.

When I talk about being judgmental, I’m not talking about righteous judgment, which involves me as a Christian checking my spiritual walk to make sure what I’m doing is in keeping with the Word; nor am I referring to the type of judgment in the church that brings an individual to accountability when they backslide.

I’m talking about having a predjudicial attitude toward people based on their outward actions and/or appearance. We’re all guilty of having prejudices, which doesn’t necessarily have to have anything to do with being racist, though, where I come from, the word ‘prejudiced’ is thrown around as a synonym for racist. No, I’m just talking about sizing someone up (in my case) based on their actions and automatically assuming things, like because my friend didn’t keep their word right away, I assumed they had no intention of keeping it.

When you grow up feeling as if you don’t have anyone to talk to about your problems as I did, it can force you to become your own psychoanalyst, which is what happened to me. I kept everything I was feeling hidden, most of the time turning all of my hurt and frustration inward on myself rather than dealing with it. Since I didn’t feel I could confide in anyone, I became my own confider. My experiences with people became the slate on which I compared every other experience, which, because I hardly ever tried to get to the truth of a situation by giving the other person a chance to explain themselves, set up an attitude of judgmentalism.

So, yes, I’m a judger. I admit it. I developed the habit as a way to cope. That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it. The problem now has been, how do I as a Christian deal with it? How do I shed a bad habit that, though it may have served a survival purpose at one time, is no longer useful and has, in fact, become downright detrimental?

The Bible says not to judge others (Matthew 7:1-2)) and God has been after me about this for years. The thing is, I’ve done it so long that it’s become second nature. I usually don’t realize I’m judging until after the fact. I judged my friend because they didn’t do what they said they would do when they said they would do it.

But they did do it….later. I hadn’t expected that. So, now I’m having to repent (again) for having thought the worst.

I’ve gotten so used to being let down that it’s always a surprise when I’m not. I’m glad my friend came through for me after all but the situation has again raised a very smelly issue at the bottom of my garbage bag.

I wish I could trust people more….just enough so I can trust God to work through them. See, I say I trust God (and I do) but I don’t trust people, which is a Catch-22 because God works through people. Ayyyy!

Needless to say, I’ve built a nice, protective wall around myself where people are concerned.

So that’s when God starts using the “F” word: Faith. Then He breaks out the “T” word: Trust. I have to trust God…no matter what someone does or doesn’t do, right? If someone hurts me, I have to let God take care of it. If someone backstabs me, I have to let God take care of it. I cannot be the judge because I am not God. When I judge others unrighteously, I am putting myself on the judgment throne and that is idolatry.

Then there’s the opposite of the spectrum: what if I did trust someone enough to let them in? Is it possible they might actually LOVE me? Love….now, that’s a novel idea. Who would want to love the real me, which (to me) is unlovable? I can’t show who I really am to anyone. They’d run screaming! But I showed myself to God and He didn’t run. Of course, He’s God.

But what if I could trust? How much further along in my life and in my spiritual walk would I be by now? God keeps telling me to trust HIM not people. But it’s hard. It’s hard not to judge when it seems that’s all anyone’s ever done to me.

Forgiveness….the other “F” word.

Judging….

Only God can judge because only He knows a person’s heart. (I Samuel 16:7)

My perception of people is warped, God tells me, because of all the hurt I’ve incurred. I can’t trust what I see because it’s usually not accurate.

It takes discipline to look at people….at the world…through God’s eyes. I sometimes wonder if the prescription on my spiritual glasses hasn’t run out because I just don’t see what God sees in some people. I find it hard to see what He sees in me! But I have to trust Him.

Each time this type of stuff happens and I cry out to the Lord, griping about what the other person did, He will hear me out and then point out to me what about my reaction to the event do I need to correct. In this case, it was judging a person’s actions without knowing all the facts. Even though what happened offended me, after I posted about it, I decided to just forget it and move on. While I was doing that, God was moving on this person (who is a Christian) to keep their word. So God did look after me and that’s the thing I’ve had issue with-will God look after me if I relinquish control to Him? He has been doing it but I’m just…well, I guess I’m just hard-headed.

Anyway, the mess worked itself out with the help of the Lord. Now I just have to do more work on not being so prejudicial. I don’t like it when people judge me and I have to remember to exercise that spirit of openness God gave me so that I don’t end up doing to others the very thing I hate.

 What about you? How’s your judgment been lately?

 

Never Would Have Made It April 30, 08

I’m going through some storms right now. There are uncertainties standing before me. Music has always been my encourager. If I didn’t have hope in the Lord, I don’t know where I’d be. Thank God for music that speaks to me:

Stormy Weather April 30, 08

I was talking to a good friend of mine earlier today and she was telling me about her recent trip to her brother’s wedding shower in Austin.

She and her mother had planned to drive to Austin for the party and before she left, she told me she was concerned about the weather, as the forecast had foretold of possible storms. Austin is a good three-and-a-half hours from where we live, and my friend told me before she left, she prayed to God there wouldn’t be any storms as she and her mom traveled the highway.

As she was praying this request, she said she felt the Holy Spirit quicken her not to pray that she wouldn’t encounter a storm on the road but to pray that God would protect her in the midst of the storm if there was one.

The minute she said this I found it to be a refreshing reminder from the Lord that invariably, I’m going to have problems. That’s just life. Something will inevitably come up or go wrong. There will be some trial I have to face. And my natural inclination is to say to God, “Lord, make this go away; I don’t want to have to go through this.” But sometimes, it’s not about my trial. It’s about trusting that despite my trial, God is with me. He is in control and in Him, I can have peace even when the circumstances around me are stormy.

Jesus said, “In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” ~John 16:33

Thanks, friend, for the reminder.